Chuck Norris

Chuck’s right foot:

The roundhouse kick is the essence of Chuck Norris, and we salute you, right foot, for being the power behind the kick. You are the reason that Chuck Norris has never been charged with murder, as his roundhouse kicks are recognized worldwide as acts of God. It’s true that roundhouse kicks are composed primarily of an element called Chucktanium, but where would they be without the powerful foot at the point of contact? You have been underestimated throughout history, and it’s time we properly salute you, right foot. It is inconceivable, given your sheer power, that somebody once tried to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue. Quite obviously the answer always turned out to be Chuck Norris in the Library. With a roundhouse kick. We shall never doubt you again.

Chuck’s beard:

We salute you, beard of Chuck Norris. You are a mainstay of the apex of manliness that is Chuck Norris, and he draws much of his strength from you. We’ve no doubt that Chuck came out of the womb with beard in tact, and the strength of that beard has only grown in time. As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris once pulled a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. The role you, beard, have played in history is equally impressive. We fondly remember the time that, after Chuck Norris built a time machine, he went back to 1963 to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. Kennedy’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck’s perfectly feathered hair:

While his beard and all-powerful right leg and foot are the crux of Chuck’s manliness, it is you, feathered hair, that has wooed many a lady with your perfect bounce and shine. Existing eternally somewhere just short of a mullet, women find your charm irresistible. It is because of you that, when Chuck Norris visited a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany as a teenager, he had sex with every nun in the convent. Nine months later, of course, the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in NFL history. Maybe we shouldn’t give you too much credit, though, feathered hair, as it’s widely recognized that Chuck Norris never styles his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror. Whatever the reason, the simple fact remains that once you go Chuck Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Chuck Norris...

• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
• On the Asian market, Chuck Norris’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
• Chuck Norris puts the “fun” in funeral.
• Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
• Chuck Norris once gave blood. In the weeks that followed, hospital patients that could formerly not even walk were suddenly roundhouse-kicking their enemies into dust.
• Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in manslaughter
• Chuck Norris once killed 15 people in 1 second. He walked away from the incident muttering “When Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn’t want Girl Scout cookies.”
• Scientists believe the dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• When NASA need to clean the windows of the international space station they hire Chuck Norris, and give him a 200,000ft steel pole and a squeegee attachment.
• Chuck Norris is on a first name basis with God.
• When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
• Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
• Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
• Do you know what the plastic tips on the end of shoelaces are called? Chuck Norris does.
• Chuck Norris can go #3 in the bathroom.
• Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
• Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him a promising rookie.
• When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways
• Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep
• Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
• When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but only eats its soul.
• Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
• Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
• Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
• An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is “karate wrangler sex.” I don’t know what that is, but it sounds awesome.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole and, when he shat it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 20 minutes.
• Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
• Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
• Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
• Chuck Norris is Helen Keller’s favorite color.
• Jesus may be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
• A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lays potato chips, saying Betcha cant eat just one! Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
• Chuck Norris Once Won The 1987 World Series Of Poker With A 3 Of Hearts, 7 Of Diamonds, A Joker, A Green 4 Uno Card, And A Get Out Of Jail Free Monopoly Card
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
• Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
• When Chuck Norris says he’s a humanitarian, it means he eats humans.
• Chuck Norris started to lick a tootsie pop and got to the center in half a lick.
• Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes because it might make him cry, and if he cried it might make him want to punch a baby.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident ... and still managed to walk it off.
• CNN was originally created as the Chuck Norris Network to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
• Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.